So....

So Patrick and I tried to reconcile. I couldn't get past the hurt that was thrown at me in the past 3 months. I want someone who has time for me and who can give me attention and love. Patrick has the love part down, but I'm not sure if he's ready for life quite yet. It hurts us both to talk about things but I just think we both have to move on. He doesn't want anyone unless it's me, and I think that's quite selfish. He needs to be willing to give a great girl a chance. Why would he want to take away the joys of having a family, and getting married, and seeing his children grow up. I'm really not that great.

He gave me a list of things he loves about me, which was touching and brought a smile to my face, but only his touch can bring a true smile to my face. I just wish things went differently.

This is not what I had expected!

So my Thanksgiving wasn't all that great...actually it sucked! My boyfriend decided that our relationship wasn't important anymore and was "forced" to dump me. I had to work that day, which ruined everything I had planned for the one little girl that needed my attention that day. Once that day had ended, I had to drive to Elyria where I was asked to pick up my neatly boxed belongings. As I walked into his apartment he was standing there with tears in his eyes. All he could say was "why did you do this?"

The reason for all of this started with a disagreement between Patrick and I, which led to me talking to his sister, and his sister yelling at Steve's sister. This isn't East Cleveland, yet Brittany felt it to be necessary to "have my back." I don't know anyone who does something like that. Especially a 21 year old married mother of 2! Be a mommy and a wife and not some ghetto thugged out wigger.

Ok, so.....the once hard as stone man who was yelling at me and cursing, has mushed back into the soft, caring, loving man that I walked out of Melt with on that Sunday night. With tears in his eyes all he wanted to do was hold me and hug me. As confused as it made me, I was compelled to hug right back and rest my head on that loving inviting shoulder I once fell asleep on. I told him I was sorry and that we would get through this. I took my belongings and cried all the way to my car. Once everything was packed up, I sat in my car and cried wondering how things would have been different if I would have just talked and communicated my feelings to him. He's a very open and understanding person. When I saw all the lights go off in his house I knew there was nothing else I could do and it was just time to go home.

Today is December 6th 2010 and we have been broken up for 10 days. All of which have been painful for both of us. Everytime we talk on the phone hoping to resolve something, a new problem arises and ends with one of us mad and hanging up. NOT GOOD. I talked to Patrick last night and we decided that  we need to see each other. We miss each others touch, kisses, hugs, and the love that radiates from each others eyes when we see one and other. We are going to try and meet up tonight. Hopefully the weather will be kind and in our favor.

This may be a test from god, and if it is I'm hoping we passed and can move on and grow from our mistakes, and build a stronger relationship from the time apart. If not I will always live my life wondering could he have completed my life? Noone is perfect, we must love and accept people for their faults.

An Update

Patrick and I have broken up...not sure if it's temporary or permanent...I'm really hoping it's not but we have a lot to work on as a couple.

Bella

I feel soo bad I have a kitten that loves me but I'm never home to give her love. I have been working so much that when I get home she's all over me for attention. I wanna relax but she wants to be petted all night. I try to get home and give her attention but it's not enough. Then when I go to Patrick's I have to leave her at my parents....I'm going to take her with me this weekend. We'll see how she does at Patrick's.  I wish I had my own place and more time!

What do I look like?

So I took on a few jobs to keep me busy until I go back to school in January. They pay well, and my bills are getting paid so I thought it was a good idea. I have one lady who thinks I'm at her beck and call. She'll tell me a time, then the day before I'm suppose to be there say "so are we good for 7:30am?" Ummm no because you told me 8:00am! She knows I have a morning job and I would not ever be able to be there before then. We talked about it at the interview. I just feel like I'm the nanny bitch. I should shut up but please have courtesy to the people who watch your children. We come to you so you can shop, go out to lunch with your snooty friends, or have a "date night." We have lives and families too. I have to say tho, I have, and do work, for some great families just this one lady is killing me right now. Ok, I'm done. 


FYI: the picture is from Nanny diaries...good movie. She works for a rich bitch. LoL

My Life in a SHOEBOX

So moving back in with your parents sucks! Let me tell you, once you pull into that drive way you once used to chalk on, you realize the parties you used to have and the endless nights of being up till 4am and rolling out of bed to make it to work at 6am ARE OVER!

When the door opened and I saw my accumulated life in a UHAUL trailer I just started to cry. Not because I had so much, but because I wanted to turn around and put it all back and start over. Everything I had bought for my house and apartment was now going into storage and not going to sit nicely in my living room or kitchen. Towels that once sat neatly folded in a lined closet were now stuffed into a box. Cute rugs with matching toothbrush holders were thrown into a box marked "odds and ends." I think I cried for an entire week. It's hard seeing everything boxed up and having to pick and choose what can fit in a small bedroom. Nothing feels better than being free. Free to come home whenever and at whatever time. Free to leave your clothes on the floor, or even in the basket still! Free to make Mac and Cheese at 2am while laughing on the phone with your bestie!

I have been home now for 4 months. My mom and I have butt heads before but it was always over the phone. Now I've grown a "pair" and have to fight with her in her house. We fight about dumb stuff. The cat, my poor memory, food, sleeping patterns, jobs, school. I'm surprised she's not fighting about when I shit! This is my attempt to vent in a way other than to call people who probably wanna just hang up. People say "When life gives you lemons make lemonade?" What if the lemons are moldy? Thats my life. Make do with the situation, but it just gets worse.

I have been looking for an apartment closer to where I work. Maybe this is show my mom that yes I can afford to live on my own. I'm more than happy to move and get back on my own. It's going to come to the point where I just pick up and go. I'm 23 not 3 anymore.

The sickness

I went to Patrick's just like any other weekend to find him sick. Yucky! While he was at work, I did my usual tidying up around the house, dishes, 10 pounds of laundry, vacuuming, and searching for ingredients to make a simple meal. Hours went by with no word from Patrick. So I thought hmmm maybe I should get some birthday shopping done for him. 

Mind you, shopping for guys is not easy trip. They never tell you what they want, and they always say "surprise me" which is never a surprise because the gift is usually practical. So here I am walking aimlessly around Target wondering where to start. I remembered Patrick saying him wanting an inappropriate decoration for his new truck. I was really hoping they'd sell the decoration at Target but I knew I couldn't be so lucky. 

Walking through the Men's clothing I came across a few nice things for him but it will not suffice the element of great surprise when opened. I know Christmas is right around the corner but I'll have just as hard of a time with that as I am with his birthday.

Due to the shadiness of Patrick's workers, some of his tools have been disappearing lately. Even though men think women don't listen....we do. Patrick had said on one of our many Home Depot trips that he wanted a 35'ft tape measure. I did better and got him a 40' ft! Woo hoo! I got one gift for him that he'll like!

I will continue to look for the AMAZING GIFT......ugggg at least I still have time.   

I'm in Love with this boy....

So we've all been through our ups and downs. Recently Patrick and I have been going through an "I think you work too much phase." Well that's me actually.


I just think it's so hard not seeing someone all week and only getting to see them on the weekends. Although things will change in March, it seems like it's taking forever! He's a hard worker I'm very blessed and I know his hard work will reap its' benefits down the road.


There's so much I love about Patrick I don't even know where to start. Well it starts with the hour drive I make to see him. As I'm turning the winding exit 147 I know I'm seconds from seeing him. As I drive down what seems like the longest road I finally arrive at the destination that fills my being with joy and makes my heart race. I fumble for my house keys (yes I have keys) he's waiting at the door with open arms and a big smile. It makes me melt. Patrick isn't only my boyfriend he's my shoulder when I feel my world is going to crumble, he's an easy target for tickles, he's a big pillow when we watch TV, he's a warm body to cuddle up to when it's cold, and he's my shopping buddy. Thing's that normal couples would see as nothing, stop me in my tracks and show me that god sends people to us for a reason. Wether it's to heal a broken heart, to complete the puzzle with that missing piece, or even as an unanswered prayer. He sent Patrick to me for a reason and I'm learning everyday.

‎"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up."